Posts Tagged With: sad

Broken

The last few days have been a breaking point for me.  I’m just so tired of this world.  I’m tired of the hurt and the pain. I’m tired of people that no longer care about anyone but themselves. People that don’t care about anything or anyone. People that just don’t care.  I’m tired, damaged and broken. 

Today I had had enough.  I deleted my Facebook account.  That one act alone was a huge weight from my shoulders. Facebook is often my only contact with the world and this last year, it’s bought me nothing but trouble, pain and regret. It was with relief that I disabled my account today, relieving myself of the constant stress and worry that damn platform has bought me. We’re living in a world where we’re constantly connected, yet we’ve never been so disconnected from each other. 

In general, I’m done with people altogether.  I’m just not built for this world today.  A world where what is right doesn’t matter, where people no longer care for each other or the pain they bring to their fellow man.  I’m just so worn down, tired and jaded. Where I used to care a great deal, I no longer care at all. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be close to anyone. 

I’ve always been very active on the internet. I loved meeting new people, making new friends.  But lately, it’s just all become so shallow and meaningless.  It is shallow and meaningless. I can’t understand how the whole world has gone so horribly wrong. 

I feel broken and so damn tired. I no longer trust anyone. I’ve learnt the hard way to never let my guard down. I know all to well how people I’ve loved and cared for a great deal can just turn around and screw me over. That has happened one too many times and it’s broken something inside me.  My once big soft heart is cold and walled off now.  I don’t like getting too close to anyone.  I can’t take anymore hurt and, I know all to well, that that’s all that comes from opening your heart to another, whether that be friendship or relationship, it’s all just meaningless. Love, loyalty and kindness mean nothing anymore. These once beautiful traits are now nothing more than a liability in this world, something to be used and taken advantage of. 

I’ll never find someone to spend my life with now, I could never trust someone enough to open my heart like that again. Honestly, I don’t even think I’m capable of love anymore. I don’t have much left in me. 

I’m 36 years old and I feel so damn old and tired.  I’m not even sure where to go from here.  I think I’m just ready to retreat from the world and live out my days as a hermit. I’m just too tired and worn down to care anymore.  

I’m just so tired of this world and I’m so damn tired of living in it. 

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Eight of Cups

The Eight of Cups has a mournful feel, an energy of loss and regret. It makes me feel sad and I can feel her longing for a better life.

Transition, Regret, Destiny - Eight of Cups   -Witches Tarot-

Transition, Regret, Destiny – Eight of Cups -Witches Tarot

It reminds me of those women who are so very desperately unhappy. On the surface they appear to have it all, a loving Husband, children, big house, nice car. But despite all that, she has a deep, unfulfilled longing for something else. None of this is enough for her.

One day, seemingly out of the blue, she just walks out. Leaving behind everything, her children included. This is a purely selfish act. In her deep longing for something ‘more’, she leaves a smoking black hole in her wake. Her kids are left without a mother, her husband left grieving for the sudden loss of his much-loved wife.

But this card is more about her, her longing, her need, her sadness and regret. It is what she goes towards, not what she leaves behind. I get the feeling that she isn’t sure of what the future brings, of what her next move will be. She will just follow alongside the shore, the turmoil of her emotions, seeing where it takes her.

She isn’t thinking clearly, she has just followed her heart. Was it hard to leave a whole life behind? Undoubtably it was. I feel that she carries with her a heavy heart, a lot of regret and pain. But her deep discontent has overrode all. She has walked out that door and now she is free. Free to walk into whatever the future brings. She does not look back, only forwards, to whatever may come her way. Maybe if she did look back right now, she would lose her courage and return to her home, her life. But this too, would only bring more regrets. A grief for what could have been, for the rest of her days.

We don’t yet know if this was the right decision, as this is only a stage of transition. She has left, but knows not where this new path leads. Although she appears to be walking towards the dawn of a new day, a fresh start.

The dolphin beside her, emerging from the sea, could be her subconscious, knowing she is on the right path, urging her forward. Or is it that he is telling her to go back, that this is a huge mistake? Once again, I don’t think this is clear just yet.

So, the Eight of Cups is a card of transition, of looking forwards, of leaving something special behind. But it is leaving with a deep sadness and regret in your heart, though knowing, all the while, that this is something you must do. That this is your way forward, your destiny.

 

 

Categories: Minor Arcana | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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