Posts Tagged With: pain


The last few days have been a breaking point for me.  I’m just so tired of this world.  I’m tired of the hurt and the pain. I’m tired of people that no longer care about anyone but themselves. People that don’t care about anything or anyone. People that just don’t care.  I’m tired, damaged and broken. 

Today I had had enough.  I deleted my Facebook account.  That one act alone was a huge weight from my shoulders. Facebook is often my only contact with the world and this last year, it’s bought me nothing but trouble, pain and regret. It was with relief that I disabled my account today, relieving myself of the constant stress and worry that damn platform has bought me. We’re living in a world where we’re constantly connected, yet we’ve never been so disconnected from each other. 

In general, I’m done with people altogether.  I’m just not built for this world today.  A world where what is right doesn’t matter, where people no longer care for each other or the pain they bring to their fellow man.  I’m just so worn down, tired and jaded. Where I used to care a great deal, I no longer care at all. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be close to anyone. 

I’ve always been very active on the internet. I loved meeting new people, making new friends.  But lately, it’s just all become so shallow and meaningless.  It is shallow and meaningless. I can’t understand how the whole world has gone so horribly wrong. 

I feel broken and so damn tired. I no longer trust anyone. I’ve learnt the hard way to never let my guard down. I know all to well how people I’ve loved and cared for a great deal can just turn around and screw me over. That has happened one too many times and it’s broken something inside me.  My once big soft heart is cold and walled off now.  I don’t like getting too close to anyone.  I can’t take anymore hurt and, I know all to well, that that’s all that comes from opening your heart to another, whether that be friendship or relationship, it’s all just meaningless. Love, loyalty and kindness mean nothing anymore. These once beautiful traits are now nothing more than a liability in this world, something to be used and taken advantage of. 

I’ll never find someone to spend my life with now, I could never trust someone enough to open my heart like that again. Honestly, I don’t even think I’m capable of love anymore. I don’t have much left in me. 

I’m 36 years old and I feel so damn old and tired.  I’m not even sure where to go from here.  I think I’m just ready to retreat from the world and live out my days as a hermit. I’m just too tired and worn down to care anymore.  

I’m just so tired of this world and I’m so damn tired of living in it. 

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments


Death is one of those cards that draws fear in the hearts of the uninitiated. Hollywood hasn’t helped in this regard. Drawing the Death card in a reading is sure to result in a nasty accident in the very near future. In reality, the Death card is very rarely connected to actual, physical death.


When the Man Comes Around

As an example, Death often shows up in relation to a pregnant woman. She will likely need some reassure that her and her baby will be just fine, again that stigma arises. But the actual meaning of the Death card in this situation, points to the death of a stage of life. Her carefree days of existence are soon to end.  Her world will revolve around another human being. Anyone who has had a child will understand the impact a birth has on your life, you are never the same again. So we are seeing a death of sorts, but it is the death of a certain period in her life.

Thinking about the impact of actual death, gives some insight into this card. Like most things in this life, death is a double-edged sword. For someone who is aged and suffering a painful terminal illness, death is a release. No longer will they suffer the pain and sadness of the process of dying. They are tired, had enough of the fight. They are ready to go.  Then the worst is over, they are at rest, at peace. A death is always a sad occasion, but in instances where the person is suffering, death is a reprieve. Not just for the one suffering, but for her loved ones that have cared for her and watched the one they love fade away. We attend the funeral, say our goodbyes, but afterwards it is time to celebrate the life they have lived, to be thankful for the good times we have had with them, to have had them in our lives and known them.



On the other end of this, are those that are taken much to soon. The death of a child is a horrific thing, something people never recover from. Parents with young children, murder victims. Here death is an awful thing, our deepest and darkest fears realized.

So what are the differences and similarities between the two? I think a big factor is lifespan. We will all die, that is inevitable. But there is a big difference between someone who passes away peacefully in bed at age 90, to a 10-year-old run down in the street. One has had their time, lived an entire life, the other life had barely even begun. We cannot celebrate a life that has hardly been lived, only feel a deep sadness for all they, and us, have missed out on.

The similarity is that we have no control over these events. Even when a death could have possibly been prevented, there is no going back. Death puts all the ‘could have been’s’ far from our reach.

This brings us to the big questions, ones we are unable to answer, in this life at least.  Why do these things happen? Why does one get to live a full lifespan, yet another doesn’t even take their first breath? Is there a purpose behind it all? A bigger universal picture? An afterlife? Questions we will never have the answers for, yet continue to seek.

Another common factor in death, is change. The one who has passed has definitely changed, transformed, but so have those that loved them. When you have lost someone, your life is irrevocably changed. A hole is left in your life and in your heart. Young or old, we will miss those we have lost for the rest of our days.

But every ending has a beginning. It has to have. Whether we are changed for the better or for the worse, is up to us. Someone who has lost a loved one can live this new stage of life in sadness or regret, or they can make something positive from their loss. Donating organs, raising funds for charity, raising awareness of dangers, perhaps preventing another family going through the same agony.



 The Death card is very similar to physical death here. This change is going to happen, be forced upon us, whether we like it or not. Sometimes we may be okay with this, sometimes we will fight it for all we are worth, but it will happen either way. It will inevitably bring with it a sense of loss and sadness, maybe even regret. But it is up to us where we go from here. We can take the opportunity to change our lives for the better, to make it a positive change, or hang on to a past that no longer serves us, maybe is not even there any more.

More Major Arcana?

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Daily Tarot

Betrayal, Hurt, Finality

Betrayal, Hurt, Finality

The suit of Swords can contain some pretty harsh cards, and the Ten of Swords is one of them. Although this card does look rather alarming, it doesn’t signify murder, or death of any physical kind. Though it does foretell the death of a situation that has caused you much pain and has you feeling utterly defeated. Usually in the form of a deep betrayal, it is now time to pick yourself up from this shocking discovery and move on. The worst has happened and it is now over. It is time to begin the healing process and to move on with your life.

The Ten of Swords also warns against portraying, and seeing yourself, as a victim. A ‘poor me’ attitude is of no use to anyone, least of all yourself. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. If you are unhappy with your life, do something about it. You, and only you, have the power to improve your situation. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Use it wisely.

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Eight of Swords

Eight of Swords is a card I can personally relate to, I have overcome its restrictive energies.

I have posted before about my battle with chronic pain, this card is how I beat it. Well, not quite, I still have it, and still struggle with it at times. But on the whole, I now live a relatively normal life. It took me a long time to get to this point, to realize I held the key all along.

Eight of Swords - From the Witches Tarot.

Eight of Swords – From the Witches Tarot.

Chronic pain is pretty well summed up in the Eight of Swords. She is bound, blind and helpless. If she moves, she will be cut and experience terrible pain. Here she has two choices: She can stand, frozen, frightened, and remain trapped, stuck in place among the Swords. Or, she can gather her wits, unlock the powers of her mind and find a way out. Notice behind her, there is a gap in the Swords, that seemingly surround her. It might take a long time to work herself free of the ropes that bind her, but even so, it is better than being frozen in place.

The rope represents the mind. It is the way that you think about your circumstances, that decides how bad it will be for you. To remind yourself of those that are so much worse off than you is a good start. Someone, right now, is breathing their last. Little kids with terminal cancer, but still with a positive attitude and a smile on their face. Children in third world countries that are starving, but are still so happy to receive the smallest of things. There are plenty more examples. Take a look at these things, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, things really could be worse.

The blindfold represents willful blindness. She refuses to see a path out, a future for herself. Behind her is a castle, shrouded in fog. If only she can find release, the castle, no doubt, will be hers. The castle here, is all her wishes and wildest dreams for herself. But she doesn’t see this, nor the gap in the Swords. She doesn’t want to. She is too busy feeling sorry for herself and blaming others for her predicament. She could also be using drugs or drinking heavily to numb her pain, but this is only helping to distort her predicament.  We also see a lake in the background, it is calm and clear. It symbolizes the emotions, and the emotional state she needs to reach. Only then can she achieve the mental clarity she needs to be able to see her way out. When your emotions are in turmoil, everything seems so much worse than it truly is and it is impossible to think clearly and decide the way forward.

Meditation is a big step now. Focusing the mind, clearing it of all the negativity and defeatist thinking. This is what helped me gain control over my pain levels. I can now tune out, relax, and actually get some sleep. Being sleep deprived is no help at all, it all just becomes a vicious cycle.

If our heroine can achieve these things, find some faith in herself, her ability and her body, which has seemingly turned on her;  she will then find she is able to slip her bonds and walk away from the restrictions of these eight swords.

Only then can she begin her journey towards her castle.

Her castle, her healing.

Categories: Minor Arcana | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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