Things are going better than I thought at this stage. It’s still very hard, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’ve been pretty lucky so far and escaped the “flu like” symptoms of withdrawal. I attribute this to the clonidine.
I do have my rough patches, and damn rough they can be, but I learnt my strategies around this on my first day. Tamazepam and Lara Croft.
For something so real and physical, I’ve really learnt the benefit of the mental. I have these funny little things that keep me going. When I spoke to Drew yesterday, I told her of these things and she thought it weird. Yeah, maybe so, but it’s getting me through. At this point, whatever it takes.
Late this afternoon, I realized I haven’t eaten in two days. For one, I just don’t have the energy, and two, my appetite is non existent. I figured my total lack of energy may be attributed to this, so I forced down just a little bit of cereal. It was like trying to eat cardboard but I got it down. Thankfully I only did eat a little bit, as not half an hour later and I’m sprinting for the toilet. Think I’ll stock up on immodium before I try that again!
I did manage to take Leo for a little walk this morning, not far, but he was happy. He’s been through so much with me, this dog. So of course he’s by my side now. He’s been on his best behavior, happy to just lie around and rest. He gets concerned when I hit a bad patch, he must sense it. He’s been good for me to, as I take him on a little walk morning and evening. It’s hard, but it does help. I don’t think I could summon the energy if not for Leo.
Last night was pretty rough, but I managed to grab a few snatches of sleep, surprisingly. The Tamazepam at work. This morning I slept nearly six hours! Awesome effort! Sleep is always preferable, it passes the time.
I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’m watching the Walking Dead through again. I’m playing Lara Croft during the hard times. I’ve always been a fan of Miss Croft, but after this, I’m devoted to her. It’s just the perfect game for the worst opiate pangs. You have to concentrate so fiercely, there’s no time to think of the lack of drugs and the subsequent pain. I just focus my entire attention on running through that damn tomb. After a time, it does pass. It gets easier every time knowing this.
I’ve also noticed the moon is waning down into it’s dark phase, perfect time for me to descend down to that old Dark Goddess again and face my demons. The moon will be new on Sunday, (today is Thursday) and by then I will be coming out of this and starting to function normally again, without opiates. New Moon, new me.
As I write this, the sun sets on day 2. I made it, another day. It feels like such an accomplishment. I can only keep telling myself that after tomorrow, this will start to let up. I’m dreading tonight though, the nights are so long. But I’ve gotten through one, I’ll get through another and hopefully feel that little bit better tomorrow.
Just one more day… let me have that for now.