Posts Tagged With: opiate

Outback Detox – Detox Eve

Not many people know that I’m an addict. I have been addicted to prescription pain killers for going on ten years. That’s a long time to be dependent upon a chemical to function.  

Oxycontin. Such a tiny pill. Amazing that something you can fit on a fingernail can wreak such havok on your life.  

I began as a chronic pain patient, but during the past year, I’ve spiraled down from dependence to straight up addiction. It has taken over my life.  

As I write this, I sit in a campground a very long way from home.  A very long way from my pill supply. I’ve blown through this month’s prescription and realized that no matter what, I’m going to run out, at least for a few days.  I could do as I usually would and do whatever the hell it takes to get my hands on those scripts, I’ve done it every month during this epic trip. I always find a way. But this time is different. I’m tired. I’ve had enough. This madness needs to stop. I want my freedom. I want my life back.  

So tonight I prepare myself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, for the hell that awaits me over the coming days.  I’ve found a place of peace and solitude.  I’ve eaten a good nutritious meal. I’ve gathered plentiful water supplies. I’ve showered and moisturized my body.  I’ve gotten high.  Really high. A farewell high.  I sat and gazed at the stars, set my mind and heart on the end game.  I’ve asked the Goddess to help see me through this.  I feel strangely at peace.  Total absence of the panic that usually sets in at the thought of going without.  I’m ready for what lays ahead.  

The thing with opiates though, you’re never so sure of getting clean as when you’re dirty.  And right now, all cells well fed, I’m so full of certainty that I can get through this.  Yet I know, come tomorrow, when I awaken, the first thing my mind will grasp for is that dope.  My body, mind and soul will be screaming for that hit.  That is when it truly begins.  

I am prepared.  I put together a withdrawal kit during my time in Perth.  

  • Clonidine, a blood pressure medication, helps immensely.  
  • Temazaepam, a long acting benzo 
  • DXM, found here in cough syrup, is the addicts best friend in a multitude of ways.  It relieves withdrawal symptoms and helps in dropping tolerance. Though I only have a pretty limited supply of that. 
  • Immodium. As well as stopping up the inevitable diarrhea, it also soothes the opiate receptors in the gut. 
  • I have a good supply of quality cannabis. 
  • I have essential oils.  

I wish I had more herbs, but being out in the desert, my options there are a little limited.  But these supplies will help me through. 
Detox will take me a week, give or take.  Just one week.  It’s not much, but in the iron grip of withdrawal, seconds become minutes, minutes become hours, hours become a fucking eternity.  This week will be an absolute living hell.  Symptoms will peak around day 3. Then gradually start to ebb from there.  I just need to get through this, one week.  Only a week.  

I need to stay focused on why I am doing this.  I want to be free.  I want to be free to travel, without having the constant worry about keeping up my supply.  I want to wake up in the morning and not feel the pangs of dope sickness.  I want my mind back, my life back, my self back.  I want to be free of these damn chains that have held me tight for all these years.  

Soon I will go to bed, and full of dope, I will sleep.  The kind of sleep that will completely elude me for weeks to come.  I will rest and prepare my body for the torturous marathon I am about to inflict on it.  Addiction is such a big thing.  It’s so real.  It’s so physical.  It’s so mental.  Every fibre of your being craves that chemical.  Without it, your entire being is thrown into chaos. You’re nothing but a state of pure need and desperation.  

But I will get through this.  This time, I have no choice.  I have a few pills stashed away, in case things go bad and I need to get to a hospital or a doctor.  Those pills will absolutely taunt me.  They will whisper to me constantly, they will scream for me.  But I don’t see a way around this.  Doing this as I am, alone in a pretty isolated place, I need that backup just in case. 

Just one week.  

I can do this.  

I have to do this.  

One week.  

Categories: Opiate Detox | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Devil

Devil

The Devil is ‘one of those cards’.

It has the potential to strike fear in the hearts of those it chooses.

Along with The Tower and Death, it is one we wish to avoid.

I can see the positive in both the Tower and Death cards, the chance for renewal, change, a new phase of life.

I have lived through them both and emerged for the better.

But, for me, the card that I am truly fearful of is The Devil.

Not the Devil himself, I am not a christian, I don’t believe in a “devil”, but the Devil of our inner most wants and desires, that all-consuming “need”.

 

For me, The Devil is addiction.

Alcoholics and addicts know The Devil all too well.

It is that screaming need inside, the constant drive for oblivion, the more, more, more that drives every addict.

I know this, because I am one.

I am a drug addict.

Prescription pills.

Hillbilly Heroin.

Oxycontin.

Oxy is my poison and my love.

I can no longer do without it, and the thought of running out makes me sick with dread.

 

You probably judge me, condemn me from your ivory tower, safe from addictive substance.

But you are only an accident, a painful illness, an injury away from being in my shoes.

I did not choose this, I really had no choice.

 

I have chronic pain, unusually, in my knee.

For most it starts in their back, but I have always had bad knees.

As a child, a simple fall could plunge me into agony.

When I tore my ligaments as a young teenager, they were never properly repaired.

My knees have been an ongoing problem and source of pain and disability throughout my whole life.

 

Several years back, I had found a job I loved.

I was one year away from being a qualified Metal fabricator.

Unusual for a woman, but I’m not your ordinary woman.

I built rock crushers, heavy fabrication.

I loved it and I was good at it.

Then the knee pain started.

I was forced to take a year off work, stuck in bed, in constant pain.

You soon find out who your friends are in times like that, and I found I had no one.

If it wasn’t for my Husband, I know I wouldn’t have gotten through that dark time.

 

It took me years to accept that I would have to live with this pain, probably for the rest of my life.

The Doctors couldn’t help me, I was passed around between departments, round and round in circles, half mad with the constant daily struggle of living with strong pain.

It wasn’t till I came to the pain clinic that I found a Doctor that knew what was happening.

This non-stop, unexplained pain had ruined my life.

The solution? Drugs. Hard drugs.

I was not naive, I knew what that meant.

But the constant driving pain, I would sell my soul to be rid of, and that is what I did.

 

I don’t take massive amounts, but it is high.

I don’t abuse it, I stick to my prescribed limits.

Of course, the temptation is always there, but I’m well aware what that leads to.

An extra pill here and there is so easy to justify, I’m in pain!

But that is a very slippery slope.

 

It could be argued that the real devil, when it comes to addiction, is tolerance.

The constant need for more.

The body will always want more.

You have to understand that this kind of addiction, opiates, is so very physical.

It annoys me when I hear people flippantly speak of addiction, they have no idea.

That merciless pull.

The monster that rears up inside you, roaring for more.

So take a bit more, it’s all good.

But that never lasts, it’s not long before you need a bit more.

And on and on this will go.

It is truly chasing your tail, chasing the dragon.

The more you take the more you need.

When it comes to pain, that is a pretty horrifying concept, that one day, it won’t work.

That the doses get so high, but do nothing to dull the pain, or the physical need.

Taking amounts of drugs that would kill normal people and still being in pain, still feeling dope sick.

 

The other side to this is that pain feeds of this stuff.

Being so physical, the body wants those drugs.

It will manufacture pain to get them.

These are the awful facts you have to live with when you take this kind of medication.

Doctors give this stuff over so flippantly.

Some get caught up in this, totally unaware of what they are in for, which would be so much worse.

They don’t tell you the awful bare facts of addiction.

That some mornings you will wake raw, cramped, weak and flayed alive.

Laying there waiting, desperately, for the opiate to soak into your cells, your blood, your bones, Sick with longing, with need.

Your body constantly metering the level of medication in your system.

It is such a desperate, awful and lonely feeling.

 

I could never face coming off these drugs.

Though my life has been significantly reduced because of them.

All of this has left me with very little trust in people.

I still have problems with the pain, which can recur at any time.

I can’t leave the house without my days worth of pills.

Anything could happen.

I have lost all trust in people, in the universe.

 

My Witches Tarot depicts The Devil as The Shadow Side, and that fits.

The monster they cower from, is themselves.

But they also cower from the flash of light, illumination in the darkness.

Of course, they don’t want to get out, don’t want to help themselves.

They are happy down there in the darkness, with their monsters lurking around them.

They will always shy away from the light.

And that is the truth of it.

Shadow SideYou can see the fear on her face, but still she cowers from the light.

I don’t think it is the reaper figure they are afraid of, they have learnt to live with him, to love him, even.

They are now afraid of the light.

Afraid of illuminating their souls, of looking too closely at themselves and the wreckage of their lives.

This is what The Devil brings to my mind whenever I see it appear in a spread.

It is the only card in the deck I genuinely fear.

I have even heard of people removing it from their decks, and I understand that.

But I’d rather have some warning, because if warnings were ever to be heeded, it would be the warnings that this card gives.

Beware.

Categories: Life, Major Arcana | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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