So I’ve come this far. This week I’ve been through physical and mental hell. I got through it, only to discover things aren’t so good on the other side. I’ve got zero energy. The slightest exertion just exhausts me. There is also a very deep and dark depression. I’m so depressed, I just want to give up. All I can do is lay in bed.
Opiate free and the world has lost its color. I’ve no interest in traveling, I haven’t showered in a week. My van is a mess. I sit at the table and chain smoke for half an hour. Even that drains me. I take my dog outside, then come back in, fall on the bed and sleep for an hour or two. I hide from the light like a vampire. The sun stings my eyes and hurts my skin. I’m so overly sensitized to even the slightest sensation. Even the feel of clothing against my skin is uncomfortable.
I can’t be like this out here. I’ve never felt so alone and so far from home. This isn’t me at all. I’m so tired. It’s all I can do to force myself to even attempt the most basic of necessary tasks. It’s to much effort to even drag myself up off the bed, nevertheless change my stinky withdrawal sweat soaked sheets.
Day seven and I surrender. Surrender to a force that is way bigger than me. I can’t do this. I can’t be like this. Not out here. I’m trying to get home. I need to cross the nullabor. Hell, even going to find a shower is beyond me.
My scripts are on the way. Hopefully tomorrow. I can’t face another day of this. I stink. Even after the mammoth task of wiping myself down with a cloth, it’s not long before I’m again coated in a slimy layer of withdrawal sweat, and that stuff stinks. The whole place reeks of the rancid stuff.
I give up.
This afternoon I downed a heap of codeine. Just desperate to feel even half human for a few hours. It worked. I sat here, slumped and defeated, and watched the color bleed back into the world. I felt it sink into my brain. Not long after, I was up and moving, needing to take advantage of feeling halfway normal again. I had a wash, I did my laundry, I swept out the van and did the few dishes on the sink. I ate a decent meal and took my poor dog for a good walk. Things look so much better. Thank the gods for codeine.
Now I’m going to lay down in my fresh sheets and hopefully catch some decent sleep off the back of my buzz. Hoping and praying that those damn scripts will be waiting for me at the post office tomorrow. I don’t think I can get through another day of this. I just need to feel like myself again.