Life

Broken

The last few days have been a breaking point for me.  I’m just so tired of this world.  I’m tired of the hurt and the pain. I’m tired of people that no longer care about anyone but themselves. People that don’t care about anything or anyone. People that just don’t care.  I’m tired, damaged and broken. 

Today I had had enough.  I deleted my Facebook account.  That one act alone was a huge weight from my shoulders. Facebook is often my only contact with the world and this last year, it’s bought me nothing but trouble, pain and regret. It was with relief that I disabled my account today, relieving myself of the constant stress and worry that damn platform has bought me. We’re living in a world where we’re constantly connected, yet we’ve never been so disconnected from each other. 

In general, I’m done with people altogether.  I’m just not built for this world today.  A world where what is right doesn’t matter, where people no longer care for each other or the pain they bring to their fellow man.  I’m just so worn down, tired and jaded. Where I used to care a great deal, I no longer care at all. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be close to anyone. 

I’ve always been very active on the internet. I loved meeting new people, making new friends.  But lately, it’s just all become so shallow and meaningless.  It is shallow and meaningless. I can’t understand how the whole world has gone so horribly wrong. 

I feel broken and so damn tired. I no longer trust anyone. I’ve learnt the hard way to never let my guard down. I know all to well how people I’ve loved and cared for a great deal can just turn around and screw me over. That has happened one too many times and it’s broken something inside me.  My once big soft heart is cold and walled off now.  I don’t like getting too close to anyone.  I can’t take anymore hurt and, I know all to well, that that’s all that comes from opening your heart to another, whether that be friendship or relationship, it’s all just meaningless. Love, loyalty and kindness mean nothing anymore. These once beautiful traits are now nothing more than a liability in this world, something to be used and taken advantage of. 

I’ll never find someone to spend my life with now, I could never trust someone enough to open my heart like that again. Honestly, I don’t even think I’m capable of love anymore. I don’t have much left in me. 

I’m 36 years old and I feel so damn old and tired.  I’m not even sure where to go from here.  I think I’m just ready to retreat from the world and live out my days as a hermit. I’m just too tired and worn down to care anymore.  

I’m just so tired of this world and I’m so damn tired of living in it. 

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Touring Victoria

I’ve been a bit slack with my posts lately, but I’ve been very busy.
I’m currently on the road in my van, touring around Victoria, something I’ve long wanted to do.

I’m spending my third night on the road at Ballarat.
I really like it here, but tomorrow is time to get the show on the road again and make for Mt Gambier, just across the South Australian border.
From there, I plan to follow the Victorian coast back south, then maybe venture up into Gippsland.

I’ll post more of my adventures, and lots of photos, when I return home.

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A Week By The Water

I spent last week by Wyangala Dam.

This was my first trip away in my new caravan and I couldn’t be happier with it.

I’ve always loved to camp, but I’ve gotten to old for the basic tent set up.

Actually, I think I just got tired of my bed deflating in the middle of the night!

Not fun, believe me!

 

So, keen to give my caravan a try out, I hitched up and headed to the dam, with my faithful dog for company.

We had a great time.

I met some great people, spent a lot of time in and by the water and walked a lot of the trails.

I have been to this park many times, but I discovered a lot of treasures while out exploring.

Leo at Elliots Lookout. He was a bit hot.

Leo at Elliot’s Lookout. He was a bit hot.

 

The amazing view from Elliots Lookout.

The amazing view from Elliot’s Lookout.

 

Wyangala Dam has a larger capacity than Sydney Harbour. I hadn't realized how big it actually is until I saw it from this vantage point.

Wyangala Dam has a larger capacity than Sydney Harbour. I hadn’t realized how big it actually is until I saw it from this vantage point.

 

This was our favorite place to be during the heat of the day, in the shade of the willow tree

This was our favorite place to be during the heat of the day, in the shade of the willow tree

 

Looking out over the dam from our willow tree

Looking out over the dam from our willow tree

 

Leo and I spent a lot of time in the water too. No better way to cool off.

Leo and I spent a lot of time in the water too. No better way to cool off.

 

I found this old hut on a drive up the mountain

I found this old hut on a drive up the mountain

 

We done a lot of exploring, though the constant walking uphill killed my legs!

We done a lot of exploring, though the constant walking uphill killed my legs!

 

There are Kangaroos everywhere in the park. Many of the females had joeys too

There are Kangaroos everywhere in the park. Many of the females had joeys too

 

The female kangaroos have the prettiest little faces

The female kangaroos have the prettiest little faces

 

The big buck presiding over his ladies. I keep my distance from these big guys, they're a little intimidating.

The big buck presiding over his ladies. I keep my distance from these big guys, they’re a little intimidating.

 

The beautiful view on one of our evening walks.

The beautiful view on one of our evening walks.

As you can see, Wyangala is a beautiful spot for a holiday.

 

I did have an agenda for my trip though.

I wanted to catch up on some writing and churn out some publishable material.

This I did and I have a lot in store for you guys.

 

I also began my summer working Aphrodite’s magick.

I love working with Aphrodite, her energy is so full of life and confidence,

I always come away, after working with her, feeling great about myself.

This is another extended working, the balance to my Descent work over winter.

I began the first section of this work while in Wyangala, and it was the perfect place to begin.

I associate Aphrodite so closely with the summer sun, water and relaxation, so beginning my work with her while on holiday made it that much more special.

It was easy to tap into her energy while immersed in and surrounded by such natural beauty.

My little altar to Aphrodite

My little altar to Aphrodite

I enjoyed the luxury of my caravan during my stay.

Camping in a van is rather luxurious, with all the comforts of home and, best of all, a comfy double bed!

I also enjoyed travelling by myself for the first time.

My dog is a great little travel companion and you get the chance to meet people more than when you are with a partner or family.

My greatest dream is to travel the Great Ocean Road, something I have long wanted to do.

I’m planning to do it during early Autumn, when it’s not so hot and hopefully not as many tourists about.

This little trip has me keener than ever to hit the road.

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Under The Summer Sun

Technically, it is not yet summer, but it certainly feels like it!

Temperatures have swung wildly this past month, but now we seem to have settled into the summer heat.

With temperatures expected to reach the forties in the coming week, I’ve decided to spend it beside the waters of Wyangala Dam.

Having finally fulfilled my dream of owning a caravan, I am going to take my first trip away in it.

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I hope to get a lot of writing done this week, just myself and my dog, in a place of peace and inspiration.

Having been a little slack with my writing of late, I plan to complete my Descent To The Dark Goddess series and work on my Hekate course.

I will have very little internet connection up there, but I shall (hopefully) have a bit of publishable material on my return.

 

I plan to begin work on a series of rituals with the Goddess Aphrodite while there.

I can’t think of a better way to begin, by the water, under the sun, in a place I love.

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I’m also very excited to be taking my van, christened Winnie, on her maiden voyage.

Buying a caravan has been a lifelong dream for me, as has travelling and seeing this beautiful country I live in.

My ultimate trip will be travelling the Great Ocean Road, which I’m planning on doing in early Autumn.

Going camping in a caravan, with all the comforts of home, will be a welcome change from a tent!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pray For Paris

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I feel such a deep sadness for the people of France  and for humanity at large.
I dedicated my altar to the healing of France and the world as a whole.
May the healing light of my candles bring comfort to those who need it most.
May the Goddess hold you in the love of her embrace.
Pray for Paris.
Pray for humanity.
Love over hate.
Unity over division.

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At The Feet Of The Dark Goddess

I have always been drawn to the Dark Goddess.
It is she who called to me, and in her arms is where I feel most at home.
Only lately, have I been really pondering why this is.

In my experience, many Witches are attracted to Her darkness.
Unlike the monotheistic religions, it is not the light we seek, but the comforting embrace of the Dark Mother.
It is darkness we find within ourselves, within our souls.
Darkness as peace, calm, rest and rebirth.

The Dark Goddess is rarely kind though.
Her ways are cruel and brutal to us.
She is Ereshkigal, hanging us upon her meathook, a rotting corpse in the shadowy realm of The Underworld.
She is indiffernet to our pleas, our cries, our screams.
She cares nothing for our suffering.
She cares not because she doesn’t feel for us, empathise with our suffering.
Indeed, she suffers her self, as she labors and gives birth, while Inanna hangs on that hook.
She cares not, because she knows suffering is the flame within which we are transformed, the coals upon which we are forged.
As Inanna is told repeatedly, as she makes her harsh and lonely descent to The Underworld,
‘The ways of The Underworld are perfect.’

Having been afflicted with chronic pain for the last seven years of my life, I have become well aquainted with the merciless face of the Dark Mother.
As the seasons turn to Autumn, and the temperatures drop, does my pain begin to flare up again.
At its worst, I suffer, tormented, lost in a world that is filled with hurt.
I cannot face the world, the noise of daily life, it overwhelems me completely.
My brain, my thoughts, just seem to short out, unable to compete with that constant hot pain that washes over my entire being.

During the early days, I was filled with raging anger.
I railed at the injustice of it, my life seemingly having come to a complete halt.
I could no longer work, I could no longer enjoy the things I previously had.
My world was constant pain, tempered only by the relief and dissociation of opiates.
I lost myself in this dream world for several years.

During the last few years, as my experience and wisdom of the Dark Goddess grew, I came to an understanding, a truce, with my pain.
When I first come across the story of Inanna and her descent to The underworld, I understood completely.
Inanna too, shed all that she was before, all that she loved was taken from her, one by one.
I understand the desperation and desolation of that loss all to well.
I know the shadows and dark caverns of The Underworld that she sort, and found.
I know what it is to come face to face with Ereshkigal, to hear her scream pierce through your very soul, to crumble before her in defeat.
I know what it is to be hung upon that meathook, rotting and putrescent, a corpse that has left light and life behind.
I know what it is to lay before the feet of Ereshkigal, to just give up, to welcome the shadowy peace of The Underworld into my soul.
Until I embraced the Dark Mother myself, this was all I knew.
Darkness, desperation, isolation and defeat.

But for Inanna, as for myself, even in that hopeless corporeal state, it was she that saved herself.
She had left her attendant to stand guard at the first gate, someone to raise the alarm in the event that she not return.
Inanna had left this tiny part of herself outside of her suffering and despair.
That tiny little piece of her soul that wanted to live, wanted to experience the light on her skin once more, was what saved Inanna from rotting away in The Underworld eternally.
I came to understand that there is hope, another chance to live, to emerge from the Underworld even stronger, brighter than when I descended.
Like Inanna, I too made my way back up toward the light, my own little spark of guardian calling to me.
I decided I wanted to live, to experience life again.
Emerging from the darkness of The Underworld, I realised that I too, had become someone other than who I was.
Old habits had been shed, old me had been shed.
Like a snake emerging from hibernation, I shed my skin and basked in the light.
But like Inanna, I too had been joined with that dark side of myself, we are now one.

After a glorious summer of very minor pain levels, I have again been plunged into The Underworld again.
My pain flares, and I pass by the gates, again, giving up all that I am.
The difference now, is that I no longer descend kicking and screaming.
I go down there, to Ereshkigal, to The Underworld, willingly.
I isolate myself, I lie in dark rooms, undisturbed.
I go with the pain, the dreamy wash of opiates, and welcome the embrace of the Dark Mother.

I have come to understand the value in my suffering.
I know now, that pain transforms.
That even though I may not yet understand why this has befell me, I know there is a reason.
Their is purpose in my descent, purpose in sitting at the feet of Ereshkigal the feared.
While my life, my very soul, has been irrevocably changed by chronic pain, I know now that these changes were, and are, essential.
My whole chronic pain experience has been necessary, it has brought me back to my true self, to my soul.
It has brought me to a respectful understanding of the Dark Mother and the ways of The Underworld.

Ereshkigal dragged me down into the darkness and fear of her realm, and she introduced me to the darkest parts of myself, my biggest fears.
In embracing that feared part of myself, I found my whole, my power, my purpose.
Ereshkigal grabbed a tight hold of me and she taught me her ways and her wisdom.
She has initiated me and set me upon this darkened path.
Where it leads. I do not yet know.
Yet, I hold the understanding that many do not;

The Ways Of The Underworld Are Perfect.

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Ascending From The Underworld

I have worked closely with my Matron Goddess, Hecate, these last few weeks.

Over the nights of the dark moon, I performed a shamanic based ritual spanning three nights.

This was a most wonderful experience, with many insights gifted to me.

Hecate could never be described as a shy Goddess, her presence, will and visions are always strong and vivid.

 

Working closely with the Dark Mother, has bought about many changes within me.

I am changing and altering.

I have a new perspective, a new outlook on my life, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the strong urge to really live again.

I have a strong desire to make changes on the outside, to reflect the changes happening within.

 

Hecate is truly a Goddess of change.

Her fiery torches burn away the old, the things we no longer need to carry with us.

As Fire Goddess she purifies and transforms, burning away the old to make room for the new.

She stands at the Crossroads, pointing out the way forwards.

As the Dark Mother, she is also an agent of change, as the Underworld strips us of all the things we use to cover our souls.

She strips back all the outer shields and protections, exposing the very foundations of who we are.

When all that we were has been stripped away, we then return to Hecate The Guide, who leads us back into the light, transformed and renewed.

The ways of the Underworld are perfect, as the Gate Guardians repeat incessantly to Inanna on her descent.

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I have done my time in The Underworld.

In fact, I dwelt so long there, that I came to like it.

I found comfort in the shadows, peace at the feet of the Dark Mother.

I now understand that The Underworld is not for the living, that it is time to begin the long ascent, back toward the upper world.

Hecate knows this, and her strong insistence on life, penetrates my very being.

 

It is time to do, time to act, time to grow.

Having been content, here in my solitary existence for so long, I hear the call of life, beckoning to me.

I am thinking of the future, what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

 

To begin with, I need to change, change what appears on the outside.

I have decided to get a new tattoo, a symbol given to me by the Goddess herself.

I have also decided to dreadlock my hair, something I have wanted to do my whole life.

I am also considering enrolling in a course of Herbalism, much to the delight and urgings of Hecate.

I understand, too, that the drugs have to go, the pain killers I have become seriously addicted to over the years.

But that is huge and, honestly, scares me more than anything I have ever dealt with.

But yet, I know it has to happen and Hecate will be there to lead me through the darkest path I have ever walked.

After that, who knows?

I will have to wait and see where the road leads.

 

Right now, I stand at her crossroads.

And finally, I am ready to make the necessary changes, to my life and to myself.

It is time to move on, choose my path in life and begin the long journey forwards, with the bright-burning torches of Hecate lighting the way.

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Walking The Road To Success

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One of things I have really looked forward to during my weight loss journey, is changing the body shape of my Bitstrips avatar.
It has taken several months, but today I realized that my avatar is too fat and made the necessary adjustments.
Doesn’t she look so much better?

During the last week I have really begun to notice the changes in my body.
Clothes that were too tight are now becoming too big.
The number on the scales keeps steadily dropping.

Yesterday, while buying a top online, I automatically went to the largest size, a 2xl.
Looking at the measurements, it dawned on me that this size was probably too big.
Grabbing my tape measure, I retook my measurements, then took them again, just to be sure.
I found I had lost 10cm around both my hips and bust.
I even have a waist again.

It surprises me constantly how easy losing weight has been for me this time around.
Having struggled with my weight for years, I am finding that it is now falling off me with ease.
It turns out that losing weight is very simple.
I no longer eat fast food.
I eat as little processed food as possible.
I only drink water, plus a coffee or two a day.
I walk most every day.
That is it.
Simple.

I think, this time, that taking the time to learn about food, had been my secret weapon.
Understanding that that burger and fries from McDonalds, is impossible to burn off.
That nightly chips and chocolate, puts my daily calorie allowance over its limit.
That my body only requires small portions of food on a regular basis throughout the day.
I eat far less than I am burning off and I am losing weight.

Walking every day is something I now look forward to.
I have chronic pain in my knees, but have retrained my brain to deal with the pain, no longer letting it defeat me.
Losing weight is only going to help my pain levels, as the less weight my knees have to bear, the better.
I have progressed from a limping shuffle down to the corner, to walking 5 kilometer stretches.
Yesterday I broke my record, setting the bar at 6km.

What seemed impossible a few months back, I am now achieving every day.
I now have a new long term goal of walking a 10km stretch.
I know now anything is possible.
Losing weight has not only been good for my body and health, it had improved my mind.
I feel stronger, more resilient and capable.
For the first time in a long time, I have faith in my body, in my ability.
I finally have confidence in my self again.
That alone has made my efforts worth every step.

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A Visit Back Home

I just got back home yesterday, after spending a week back in my hometown.
I don’t visit up there as often as I should, it has become something of an annual pilgrimage, but it is always good to catch up with family and my oldest, dearest friends.

Having lost a substantial amount of weight, and being much more mobile than I was when I last visited, I was able to get out and do some things I couldn’t do this time last year.
Such as taking my favorite little niece to visit Paddy’s River Falls.
It is a steep walk down, and a hard walk back up, with many steps to negotiate, something I was completely unable to tackle last year.
We had a great time, swimming underneath the falls and climbing around on the rocks.
Losing this weight has definitely improved my enjoyment and quality of life.

It was also worth the walk just to get the photos I snapped while there.

Paddy's River Falls

Paddy’s River Falls

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It is such a beautiful place, and I had such a great day, that I took home a few river stones as souvenirs.

Now, back at home, I can hold them in my hand and feel the energy of the water in which we swam, the energy of the waterfall, that has polished the stones to a smooth sheen, over a great period of time.

They are also a reminder of a great day, a day that would not have been possible before I decided that living my life as I had been was no longer an option.

I have put in the work and made adventures like this possible again.

Like the water that has smoothed these stones, it may take time to reach my goals, but with persistence, anything is achievable.

 

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A Family In My Shed

A little family has taken up residence in my carport.
They have been there since the beginning of spring and in that time, their chicks have hatched and grown.
Checking on them yesterday, I realized their baby birds are almost fully grown.
They are now even leaving the nest for test flights, the family circling around the carport together, as if the parents are showing them how it is done.

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It has been a pleasure watching their little family grow, and even though they will probably soon be moving on, I hope they remember their little home that has served them well, and return to raise the next generation here. 

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