Samhain Eve 

Tonight the veils are thin. The dead, our ancestors, return home.  
Samhain Eve is my favorite night of the year.  It’s a pretty quiet one for me, but I find solitude to be the best way to spend this most sacred night. 

Quiet reflection on the year that has been, a very transformative one for me, this has been a year of growth and change.  A year of letting go and embracing the unknown. 
I sit quietly by candlelight and scry into my crystal ball.  I draw tarot spreads of reflection, studying the lessons that have been learnt. This year there have been many. 

I sit quietly among the spirits of my ancestors and listen for their words of wisdom.  I welcome the embrace of the Dark Mother and the lessons she has for me on this night. Having immersed myself in the cauldron of rebirth throughout this year, I feel ever closer to her.  

Blessed Samhain ūüéÉ

Categories: The Sabbats | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Broken

The last few days have been a breaking point for me.  I’m just so tired of this world.  I’m tired of the hurt and the pain. I’m tired of people that no longer care about anyone but themselves. People that don’t care about anything or anyone. People that just don’t care.  I’m tired, damaged and broken. 

Today I had had enough.  I deleted my Facebook account.  That one act alone was a huge weight from my shoulders. Facebook is often my only contact with the world and this last year, it’s bought me nothing but trouble, pain and regret. It was with relief that I disabled my account today, relieving myself of the constant stress and worry that damn platform has bought me. We’re living in a world where we’re constantly connected, yet we’ve never been so disconnected from each other. 

In general, I’m done with people altogether.  I’m just not built for this world today.  A world where what is right doesn’t matter, where people no longer care for each other or the pain they bring to their fellow man.  I’m just so worn down, tired and jaded. Where I used to care a great deal, I no longer care at all. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be close to anyone. 

I’ve always been very active on the internet. I loved meeting new people, making new friends.  But lately, it’s just all become so shallow and meaningless.  It is shallow and meaningless. I can’t understand how the whole world has gone so horribly wrong. 

I feel broken and so damn tired. I no longer trust anyone. I’ve learnt the hard way to never let my guard down. I know all to well how people I’ve loved and cared for a great deal can just turn around and screw me over. That has happened one too many times and it’s broken something inside me.  My once big soft heart is cold and walled off now.  I don’t like getting too close to anyone.  I can’t take anymore hurt and, I know all to well, that that’s all that comes from opening your heart to another, whether that be friendship or relationship, it’s all just meaningless. Love, loyalty and kindness mean nothing anymore. These once beautiful traits are now nothing more than a liability in this world, something to be used and taken advantage of. 

I’ll never find someone to spend my life with now, I could never trust someone enough to open my heart like that again. Honestly, I don’t even think I’m capable of love anymore. I don’t have much left in me. 

I’m 36 years old and I feel so damn old and tired.  I’m not even sure where to go from here.  I think I’m just ready to retreat from the world and live out my days as a hermit. I’m just too tired and worn down to care anymore.  

I’m just so tired of this world and I’m so damn tired of living in it. 

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Across South Australia 

I’ve spent the last week camped on the beach near Streaky Bay.  South Australia has some really great free campsites.  This one was perfect! The beach was literally my yard. 

It was good to find such a lovely place to rest our feet. Leo thought so too, he spent a lot of time running up and down that beach and playing in the waves.  We won’t mention the maggoty fish head he had a good old roll in on one such adventure! 

Here he is, just about to be let off leash.  I snapped the pic first, because once that leash comes off, he’s ten miles up the beach! 

I came off the Nullabor just about broke. I had just enough to grab some food, petrol and gas for my van for the week.  One tank of fuel is not getting us far! So this place was perfect to wile away the days till I was a bit more financial. 

The beach inspired me.  I collected shells everyday and made them into jewelry, hair wraps and beach themed dream catchers.  They sold well when we spent a day in town, which was a nice surprise. 

Having restocked my funds, we hit the road again today, and made for Kimba, S.A.  I stayed here on my way through and really like this campground. We spent Christmas here and endured the insanely high temperatures. Thankfully, it’s a bit cooler on our return trip! 

Returning here feels a bit like coming home.  It’s nice to have access to unlimited water again and one of the big drawcards of this camp is that there is a shower here! This is absolute bliss for a dirty little gypsy that hasn’t had an actual shower in almost two weeks! I got into camp, got my washing done, washed my sheets (another luxury) and headed straight for the shower.  

So tonight, I feel like a queen.  Freshly washed and about to climb into a clean bed, minus the sand I gave up trying to get out of my sheets while living on the beach! Living in a van, on the beach, with a dog, sand gets everywhere! So that was another bit of housekeeping when I arrived in Kimba, sweep the beach out of my van! 

I’m planning on spending another day here, then we will keep on moving across South Australia.  

At this stage, I’m planning on making toward the N.S.W / Victorian border and following the Murray River, which is the actual physical border, along to my steady love, the Hume Highway.  This is the highway that runs through my homelands. I’ve a few friends and family to stop in on along the way, but I doubt I’ll last long over there. Talking to my daughter tonight, it’s actually autumn over there. Cold and wet! Eek! I’m still in summer out here! I’m seriously questioning the wisdom of heading back that way. 

Happy trails to you, my constant reader.  

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Esperance to Ceduna 

I’m slowly making my way back towards my homelands.  I spent a week or so in Esperance, it’s such a beautiful place. 

Having run into the devastation caused by the recent flooding in Western Australia, it was quite an adventure to get there.  I had to detour several hundred kilometres through the desert on dirt roads.  This was good though, as I usually stick to the tar, so it was something different. 

I was disappointed when I finally arrived though, to see those damn ‘free campers not welcome’ signs on the way into town.  It happens from time to time, mostly in the really touristy places.  It really is counterproductive to the town, as a ‘no free camping policy’ just tends to see my kind just drive on through.  If we’re welcome, we’ll stay and spend money in the town, not on the damn caravan parks.  I take umbrage at having to pay for a bit of ground and will avoid it at all costs, and I managed to do this in Esperance as well.  

But aside from this inconvenience, I really enjoyed spending some time here and making the most of the most beautiful beaches I’ve come across in my travels. 

Leo had a great time on the off leash dog beach.  He ran a muck! But damn, did he have fun.  The above picture is the naughtiest dog on West Beach, quite proud of himself.  
After we had soaked up the sun, sand and surf of Esperance, it was time to move on back up to Norseman and onto the Nullabor. My first crossing was an adventure and I looked forward to it.  This time though, I was kinda dreading that long, straight, lonely and endless stretch of highway.  

It wasn’t so bad though.  I had my gps set from Norseman to Ceduna and it was good to see the kilometers dropping down as I drove.  I did it pretty quick this time, only spending three nights out there.  

We had the necessary roadhouse stops to shower and refuel and I stopped for another look at the gorgeous views of the Bite. 

I even found this memorial for a man and his dog. 

The above is my feet, not fifteen minutes after I’d had a shower and scrubbed the Nullabor dust from them.  It was after this I gave up and decided to embrace my dirty feet.  I’ve grown to like having dirty feet.  I look at them and know the day has been well spent. Dirty feet are a product of adventure, of walking the earth, gaining experiences and actually living life.  I had clean feet for much too long.  Seems the dirtier my feet, the happier I am.  

I’m currently camped just outside of Ceduna, South Australia, having made my second successful journey across the Nullabor.  We’re still riding the Eyre Highway, but will soon reach its end.  This is one highway I’ll never forget, though they all hold a special place in my heart, once I’ve lived, breathed and rode the length of them.  Not my first love affair with a highway and it won’t be my last.  

This trip has been very expensive and crossing the Nullabor has left me broke for the week.  You wouldn’t believe the fuel prices out there, especially on the W.A side.  It downright hurts at times! But all good, we just get to make camp for the week.  I want to have a better look around Ceduna over the weekend and then we’ll look for a nearby campground to spend the week.  It’s a good chance to get a bit of maintenance work and simple repairs done on my car and van and I’ve already fixed a few little problems.  But on the whole, everything is running fairly well.  

Till next time, safe travels.  

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Outback Detox – Day 7

So I’ve come this far.  This week I’ve been through physical and mental hell.  I got through it, only to discover things aren’t so good on the other side. I’ve got zero energy.  The slightest exertion just exhausts me.  There is also a very deep and dark depression. I’m so depressed, I just want to give up.  All I can do is lay in bed. 

Opiate free and the world has lost its color.  I’ve no interest in traveling, I haven’t showered in a week.  My van is a mess.  I sit at the table and chain smoke for half an hour.  Even that drains me.  I take my dog outside, then come back in, fall on the bed and sleep for an hour or two. I hide from the light like a vampire. The sun stings my eyes and hurts my skin. I’m so overly sensitized to even the slightest sensation. Even the feel of clothing against my skin is uncomfortable. 

I can’t be like this out here.  I’ve never felt so alone and so far from home.  This isn’t me at all.  I’m so tired.  It’s all I can do to force myself to even attempt the most basic of necessary tasks.  It’s to much effort to even drag myself up  off the bed, nevertheless change my stinky withdrawal sweat soaked sheets. 

Day seven and I surrender.  Surrender to a force that is way bigger than me. I can’t do this.  I can’t be like this.  Not out here. I’m trying to get home.  I need to cross the nullabor. Hell, even going to find a shower is beyond me.  

My scripts are on the way.  Hopefully tomorrow.  I can’t face another day of this. I stink. Even after the mammoth task of wiping myself down with a cloth, it’s not long before I’m again coated in a slimy layer of withdrawal sweat, and that stuff stinks. The whole place reeks of the rancid stuff. 

I give up.  

This afternoon I downed a heap of codeine. Just desperate to feel even half human for a few hours.  It worked. I sat here, slumped and defeated, and watched the color bleed back into the world. I felt it sink into my brain.  Not long after, I was up and moving, needing to take advantage of feeling halfway normal again. I had a wash, I did my laundry, I swept out the van and did the few dishes on the sink.  I ate a decent meal and took my poor dog for a good walk.  Things look so much better.  Thank the gods for codeine.  

Now I’m going to lay down in my fresh sheets and hopefully catch some decent sleep off the back of my buzz.  Hoping and praying that those damn scripts will be waiting for me at the post office tomorrow.  I don’t think I can get through another day of this.  I just need to feel like myself again.  

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Outback Detox – Day 2

Things are going better than I thought at this stage. It’s still very hard, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’ve been pretty lucky so far and escaped the “flu like” symptoms of withdrawal. I attribute this to the clonidine. 

I do have my rough patches, and damn rough they can be, but I learnt my strategies around this on my first day. Tamazepam and Lara Croft. 

For something so real and physical, I’ve really learnt the benefit of the mental.  I have these funny little things that keep me going.  When I spoke to Drew yesterday, I told her of these things and she thought it weird. Yeah, maybe so, but it’s getting me through.  At this point, whatever it takes. 

Late this afternoon, I realized I haven’t eaten in two days.  For one, I just don’t have the energy, and two, my appetite is non existent. I figured my total lack of energy may be attributed to this, so I forced down just a little bit of cereal. It was like trying to eat cardboard but I got it down.  Thankfully I only did eat a little bit, as not half an hour later and I’m sprinting for the toilet.  Think I’ll stock up on immodium before I try that again!

I did manage to take Leo for a little walk this morning, not far, but he was happy. He’s been through so much with me, this dog.  So of course he’s by my side now.  He’s been on his best behavior, happy to just lie around and rest. He gets concerned when I hit a bad patch, he must sense it. He’s been good for me to, as I take him on a little walk morning and evening. It’s hard, but it does help. I don’t think I could summon the energy if not for Leo. 

Last night was pretty rough, but I managed to grab a few snatches of sleep, surprisingly.  The Tamazepam at work.  This morning I slept nearly six hours! Awesome effort! Sleep is always preferable, it passes the time. 

I’ve been watching a lot of movies.  I’m watching the Walking Dead through again.  I’m playing Lara Croft during the hard times. I’ve always been a fan of Miss Croft, but after this, I’m devoted to her.  It’s just the perfect game for the worst opiate pangs. You have to concentrate so fiercely, there’s no time to think of the lack of drugs and the subsequent pain.  I just focus my entire attention on running through that damn tomb. After a time, it does pass. It gets easier every time knowing this. 

I’ve also noticed the moon is waning down into it’s dark phase, perfect time for me to descend down to that old Dark Goddess again and face my demons.  The moon will be new on Sunday, (today is Thursday)  and by then I will be coming out of this and starting to function normally again, without opiates. New Moon, new me. 

As I write this, the sun sets on day 2. I made it, another day.  It feels like such an accomplishment. I can only keep telling myself that after tomorrow, this will start to let up.  I’m dreading tonight though, the nights are so long. But I’ve gotten through one, I’ll get through another and hopefully feel that little bit better tomorrow. 

Just one more day…  let me have that for now.  

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Outback Detox – Day 5

I can’t do this. 

It’s awful. Today has been terrible, I can barely function. I can’t eat, I can’t stop crying.  I’m a physical and mental wreck. I thought I’d gotten over the worst of it, turns out physical detox is the easy part. 

Everything aches. My muscles hurt. I’m an emotional mess.  Here in this beautiful place and I can’t even enjoy it.  The slightest exertion leaves me exhausted.  It’s all I can do to take the dog out a couple times a day. 

I got out a bit yesterday.  I took Leo to the beach and we both had a good time.  But this morning I woke up sick and craving hard.  I’ve been downing ridiculous amounts of codeine, all I’ve got right now.  

This is too hard.  

I can’t do this.  

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Outback Detox – Day One, Take Two

Another rough night last night, till I found one last pill.  So that gave me a good nights sleep at least.  But again, I awaken to nothing.  

This morning, Day One, I actually felt good. The clonidine definitely helps. Getting into conversation with a couple of English backpackers even took my mind off things for awhile. 

But by late morning I’m getting pretty damned uncomfortable.

Not sure what possessed me, but I decided to drive the 44km to the next town. Bad idea.  I come way to close to going to sleep behind the wheel.  These detox meds are no joke. 

I did make it, fell straight into bed, but then my muscles started feeling restless, my skin started crawling. I couldn’t lie down, I couldn’t sit up, I couldn’t walk around.  I lost all track of time, but it felt like an eternity in hell. I smoked some weed, not a good idea, it made it worse. It intensified everything. It took me a moment to realize I was having a panic attack.  I downed some Tamazepam and picked up my tablet.  Lara Croft has been my saviour. A very immersive tablet game managed to divert my attention for long enough for the Tamazepam to kick in.  So at least now I have a strategy, benzos and Lara Croft! 

After that passed, I felt ok.  Enough so that I could move down the road to where I was going, even deal with having to charge my flat car battery.  I phoned my daughter. I walked to the store and bought Powerade and chocolate bars.  As I was crossing the road back to my van, sunshine in my face, I had a moment of peace come over me. A little taste of the clean life to come, one where I can enjoy the simple pleasures and take my time.  

Day 1. 

I can do this.  

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Outback Detox – Day 3

I awoke on day 3 having finally gotten a good night’s sleep.  I lay in bed for a moment and felt at peace.  It was nice to wake up not dope sick for the first time in many years.  

It was also pay day, time to get moving.  I packed up and was ready to hit the road.  Leo and I get in the car, and it won’t click over! Bugger.  That damn battery problem again.  I can rig up my solar panel, but it wasn’t enough this time, I had to get a jump start.  Got up to the mechanics and got that sorted. No sweat!

I drove away from that little town laughing like a maniac, I’d gotten through the detox!  I drove over 250km of dirt road through the desert and arrived in Esperance right on schedule. 

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Outback Detox – Take One

I made it well into my second day, then hit a rough patch and caved immediately. I spent the day getting high, blowing through the last of my emergency stash. 

Tapering has never worked for me, I don’t have that kind of self discipline.  I start out with good intentions, but once I’ve had a little, I want more.  Then it’s back to the races. 

So now I’m in a real predicament, I’ve absolutely no dope and I’m literally in the middle of nowhere.  

This is exactly how the addict mind works; I’ll take all these now and tomorrow will work itself out.  Your mind can always find a way to justify it. Of course, I’ve only put off the inevitable once again. 

Night draws down and the dope is wearing off.  

Shit.

Here we go again…..

Categories: Opiate Detox | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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